“I mean, look, we’re trying to take healthcare away from tens of millions of people, ensure that women are second-class citizens, remove the regulations that keep Americans safe, and put those uppity Black people back into their proper place,” Paul Ryan added, “and when I have to pretend to be a leader who cares about anything other than those things, it takes up precious seconds of my time that I could be spending writing even more Ayn Rand fanfiction disguised as laws.”
Ryan then looked at the reporters and added, “I mean, it’s not like anything I say right now matters, anyway. I’m in such a safe district, I can do whatever I want and stay in power. Watch.”
Mr. Ryan then kicked a puppy, and continued. “But, let me say again: I will not stand by and say nothing when a rich, white celebrity is criticized by the president who I support in every single way that actually matters. You know it, I know it, and let’s continue to pretend that even a single word I am uttering right now matters at all.”
The Speaker took no questions.